what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
