Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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