I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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