I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
