I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
So here I am, sexting at work.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
