All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
