you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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