mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
