I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
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while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
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I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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