if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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