i just sent this text using only my big toe
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
