listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
