he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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