I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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