And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i think i have herpe
just one?
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
