I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
