They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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