Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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