My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Randomize
