My first STD was from a foam party
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
Randomize
