She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
The heart wants what the heart wants, and once again it’s a guy with brown hair, wears a chain, and has a nicotine addiction.
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