Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
