I'm going to jail i love you
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
