i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Randomize
