He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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