I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
