sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
