Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
Randomize
