Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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