true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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