If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
