then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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