hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
