i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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