The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
