I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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