she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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