i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Randomize
