apparently the secret to your success is patron
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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