So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
