Jerry, you need to find god
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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