WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
