last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
