I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Every concussion has its silver lining
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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