last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
