I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.