just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
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Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
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My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.