Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
