My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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