my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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