I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
