Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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