Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
