Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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