I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
