What a fucking waste of an outfit
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Randomize
