Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
Randomize
