ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
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