Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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