If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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