I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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